Infertility & Miscarriage Playlist

Even though we're now years past our first pinto bean that never was, this month is never lost on me—the month my Timehop goes from blissful secretive pictures, to complete silence. I didn't know how to think or feel, let alone put together thoughts for a social post. All I knew how to do was Google and read and listen—read stories of how others dealt with miscarriage, and listen to songs that would make me ugly cry - Kim K. style.

There's a handful of blog ideas that I would keep notes on and promise myself that I would write one day, because I knew there would be a girl who would be late night Googling/sobbing, and she would need to happen upon a blog where someone just "gets" her. But the further and further I got away from that time in my life, the less brave I got to revisit it. Because even though I have the two most perfect babies on earth, I can still feel exactly how I felt when I would be hiding out in the guest room, tissues piled all around me, reading lyrics on YouTube and harboring the biggest pit in my stomach.

Someone recently reminded me of how horribly lonely this grieving process is, and for that, I mustered up the courage—or whatever you want to call it—to share my go-to sob-list of music. There's the songs you want to morbidly play until tears fall out of your pores; there's the songs you skip altogether because you're afraid of how badly they'll hurt; and there's the songs that you listen to that remind you why you wanted to be a mom in the first place. 

*I'm going to include every video with lyrics, because that's how I would watch them—anticipating and pouring over the lyrics while tears streamed from my face. And yea, I cried through every single one of these songs when replaying them for this blog, because that pit in your stomach where a baby once was will always be there. And I kind of don't mind that - because why would I ever want to forget them?

1. Stone Cold - Demi Lovato

"Stone cold, stone cold. 

You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor... 

God knows I try to feel happy for you - 

know that I am, even if I can't understand."

Who the heck knows what this song is supposed to be about, but all I know is that it's a song about pretending—pretending to be okay when you're really dying on the floor. One of my oldest friends announced her pregnancy after our miscarriage, and even though I was happy for her...I hated her. If we're being honest. I had never been more jealous of anything in my life—to the point of hatred.

2. Smile - Michael Jackson

"Smile, though your heart is aching. 

Smile, even though it's breaking."

Something about the violins that kick this off that make my nose tickle. And then MJ's sweet voice starts {am I the only one who was in love with MJ growing up?}, and I'm a puddle. 

3. Fly - Maddie & Tae

"So, keep on climbing though the ground make shake. 

Just keep on reaching though the limb might break.  

We've come this far, don't you be scared now. 

Cause you can learn to fly - on the way down."

Gosh, I remember this song vividly. Ironically, I would listen to it when I was pregnant with pinto bean—feeling so proud of myself that I got through the infertility - that I kept climbing and here I was flying high. I listened to this song on a run at the beach, and then we went home and had the appointment where we learned we lost the heartbeat. For a while, I hated this song {let's be real, I hate all of these songs, to an extent}, but then I channeled that feeling that I had at the beach - the one that made me feel like I had finally done it - and I did whatever I could to get that feeling back. 

 

4. Conqueror - Empire

"We all make mistakes, you might fall on your face - 

but you gotta get up. 

We all make mistakes, you might fall on your face - 

don't ever give up!"

Yea, so, Empire was newly big at the time, and this song gave me strength. Strength to get through infertility, and strength to get through the aftermath of the miscarriage. You may listen to fast-paced jams on the treadmill - I listened to Conqueror {and bawled - but that's neither here nor there}.

5. She Used to be Mine - Sara Bareilles

"...And you're not what I asked for - 

if I'm honest I know I would give it all back 

for a chance to start over 

and rewrite an ending or two."

::Deep breath:: This is a hard one. I'm not saying I was obsessed with the woman who I was before infertility and miscarriage, but once I had been through it I would have given anything to get back to that girl. To start over. I replayed every move in my head over and over and wondered if I had done something to cause this. I wanted to take it all back and start over. To be the 'me' before this. {I later realized that the 'me' in the interim made me a better 'me' today. The battle in me then created so much peace in me now.}

6. Empty Handed - Lea Michele

"If I came to you, empty handed - 

a barren ocean, with nothing at all... 

If I finally let you in, would you show me what love is? 

If I had nothing to give."

Just kidding, this is the real tough one. You want to see an ugly cry - you should have seen me on the way home from work listening to this song - sporting the largest sunglasses I could find, and feeling so much guilt that I should have exploded. I knew that my husband wanted a baby so badly, and I felt like such a failure because I couldn't give him one. I would think to myself - I am a woman, and there's no other reason for me to be on this earth than to procreate, and if I can't do that - what am I doing here? I don't deserve to be here - I don't deserve him. My gosh I took the dramatics to the extreme. But when you're in it, the dramatics are the only thing that make sense. So don't ever feel like they're overboard - because if someone thinks they are, they've never been through this. 

7. Silver Lining - Kacey Musgraves

"If you're ever going to find a silver lining - 

it's got to be a cloudy day."

Who am I if I stopped looking for silver linings? I didn't believe that there would be one - ever again. And then there was - and it was doubled. But you don't know that - don't believe that - until you get it. So me trying to tell you to search for one is pointless - and I respect that. 

8. Broken - Lifehouse

"I'm falling apart - I'm barely breathing, 

with a broken heart, that's still beating... 

In your name, I find meaning - 

so I'm holding on."

I just came across this song, thanks to an amazing friend, and it punched me right in that pit. And then inspired me to finally get off my cloud nine and write this blog, for everyone who is barely breathing. 

*The next two songs aren't about miscarriage or infertility - they're about the other person in this scenario. The person who may not have had the miscarriage physically, or does the daily shots to the gut—but the person who holds you up when you're completely broken. I wrote this note to myself two years when I added these next songs to my list: "Remember that there is no journey or baby without you two - so take time off from baby brain and give in to each other. Now more than ever, you need each other. Sometimes you feel like you're not worthy because you can't give him a baby - let this song serve as his voice to remind you that he wants you no matter what."

9. Give Into Me - Country Strong {Leighton Meester & Garrett Hedlund}

"I'm gonna wear you down. 

I'm gonna make you see. 

I'm gonna get to you - 

you're gonna give into me."

Sometimes I would fight off my husband's love and comfort because I didn't love myself. But he would push, and I would give in. I'm so thankful for that pusher <3

10. Late to the Party - Kacey Musgraves

"And who needs a crowd 

when you're happy at a party for two? 

The world can wait - 

'cause I'm never late to the party 

if I'm late to the party with you."

Note to myself back then: "A song for you two - remember how amazing you are as a couple, just you two." When we were #justustwo <3

Couldn't find a legit version with lyrics, so listen to the audio below while reading the lyrics here. 

I'm sorry for making you ugly cry—but also, you're welcome? #neededit

XO, 
Nik  

Psst...More on the heartbreaking world of infertility & miscarriage:

To The Men of Infertility

 10 Things Not to Say to Someone Trying to Conceive

Warby Parker: Why The Heck Not

When something says "try for free for five days," odds are, I'm going to say "why the heck not?" Especially when I've been lusting over Warby Parker glasses for so dang long.

You know how when things are "free," they somehow don't end up actually being free? Well, much to my surprise, that was actually not the case here {for once}. The process couldn't have been easier - or free'er {is that a word? It is now.}. You can take this quick little quiz and they'll present you with some options to choose from, or, you can sift through the tons and tons of styles they have to offer and pick your own. {Hint: turn on the "Available for Home Try-On" button in the upper left-hand corner to avoid the "dangit!" moment of wanting ones that aren't available. #beentheredonethat}

You pick your fabulous five, they arrive in a neat little package at the door within days, you get five days to try them on {a pair a day—as it were}, and then you drop them in your mailbox {or at the local post office} with the return slip that was included in your package - and that's it. No charges, no tricks, no requirements to buy. Unless, of course, you fall truly, madly, deeply in love with a pair {or two} and you're forced to buy—forced, I tell ya! But, at least it's at your own will.

Now, the real challenge—narrowing my picks! 

{Laurel 17 - Rose Quartz} 

 

 

{Laurel 17 - Espresso Tortoise}

 

 {Percey - Crystal}

 

 {Vaughan - Eastern Bluebird Fade}

 

 {Chamberlain - Whiskey Tortoise}

 

{And the winner is...}

Laurel 17 in Espresso Tortoise! Even though I also adore Laurel in Rose Quartz... Oh, now I see - this is how they get you. You're such a tease, Warby Parker. 

XO,

Nik

 Psst...More of my latest obsessions:

Rosé, All Day, Every Way

 The Slimming Effect: Black & Bodysuits

Headwrap How To

You know how sometimes I tell you that "this style is so easy, and you can totally do it yourself," and you're all, "oookay, lady"? Well, this time, I ain't lyin'. If you can't follow this simple tutorial, then I can't help you. Grab a scarf—any scarf—and try it out. I promise it takes a mere minute, it's not frustrating, and it doesn't include a single iron. That's something to dance about, no?

All you need is a long-ish scarf, whatever pattern and fabric tickles your fancy, and a hair tie if you're wearing your head wrap with an updo of sorts {calm down—updo does not always equate to complicated and fancy. A top knot is an updo, people.}.

See, less than one minute. Okay, fine, this is sped up, but, in reality it really did only take about two minutes to tie, so, ha.

Me sportin' my quick and easy head wrap, and my mean mugger.

Guys, c'mon, even my daughter knows how to do it. {Just kidding, Mama may have helped.}

Now go on and make Aunt Jemima proud.

XO,

Nik 

Psst...another hair tutorial for the not-so-savvy: 

I Like Big [Hair] Buns {And I Cannot Lie}

Rosé, All Day, Every Way

Rosé is having its moment—in ALL the ways. Sure, the summer-esque pink wine {which, spoiler alert: is not sweet, as previously perceived} is gracing all the shelves, cookouts, and girls' nights in. But, rosé is popping up in other forms, too—like in Guy Tang's rose gold hair line {if you're not familiar with the hair GOD, Guy Tang, you need to be}, and in this flowy romantic number from Tobi.

Booze, hair, and clothes—all in the form of rosé. Proof that there is a god. 

 

 

 

I'm no wine snob—I almost always go for the "chipper chicken," like this Lab Rosé that's become a fav!

 

Dress: Tobi {size medium} // Shoes: Melrose & Market at Nordstrom Rack // Sunnies: Nordstrom - no longer available, but Similar & Similar // Earrings: Quartz drop earrings from Stella and Dot - no longer available; Similar & LOVE // Ring: Nordstrom Rack - sale, no longer available; Similar options

 

Kissed by a rosé hair brought to you by Guy Tang's #mydentity line {7RG}.

Photo cred to one of my favorite creatives & duck tamers {no kidding—shoot at a pond and quack happens}: Erin Michelle Photography

XO,

Nik

 Psst...another trend-obsession:

The Slimming Effect: Black and Bodysuits

The Slimming Effect: Black & Bodysuits

Black as a slimming trick - groundbreaking, right? We're not recreating the fashion wheel here - we all know black is a go-to slimmer. I pretty much lived in black {leggings} postpartum. And even now that I'm feeling much more fit-mom-ish and less frumpy-mom-ish, I've kind of become accustomed to my black. Colorful me - accustomed to black. Motherhood does things to you.

 

 

Now, pair black with a bodysuit, and you're in the double-slimming business. In the right fabric, a bodysuit can be like a one-piece that's sucking & tucking you in all the right places. Bonus: it's not a bathing suit, and you're not on the beach feeling all sorts of body-conscious. Trust me, bodysuits {or, as they appear in my new-mom head - adult onesies} are where it's at!

 

{Oh, hey babe!}

Not quite as slimming, but equally as appealing to me these days: mom jeans. I am, afterall, a mom. Not that this stopped me from rocking high-waisted mom-jeans pre-twinlets. Rebel that I am.

 

  

Bodysuit: Tobi {size medium} // Cropped pants: Old Navy - no longer available online {check in-store!}; Super similar // Shoes: Nordstrom Rack - last season; Similar & Similar {and also, I'll trade you - because that chunkyheel!} // Sunnies: Quay Australia - no longer available {but they sometimes come back in stock!}; Similar

 

Last random thought from my recent fashion files - let's talk about Tobi. I've long shied away from buying from Tobi because - well, models be fiercely fit. Which always begged the question - how is that going to fit this shorter & stouter bod. Slowly but surely, Tobi's endless sales broke me down - and now I can officially tell you that any ol' average girl can rock it like their gorgeous amazon models.

 

 

Fabrics are quality, fit is on par, fashions are trending, AND prices are enticing. Like, annoyingly enticing. Enter my newest shopping obsession—and my latest apology, for turning you into a Tobi fiend like me. 

Top: Tobi {size small} // Pants: Anthropologie - sale, no longer available; Similar & Similar // Shoes: Oldies from god-knows-where; Similar & Similar // Head scarf: Ancient; Similar // Earrings: Francescas: Oldies; Similar & Oh-so-boho

Photo cred: Instagram & Blog Husband {Thanks, Babuh!}

XO,

Nik

Psst...more fashion obsessions: 

That 70's Style: Two ways

Cool for Culottes

Top 10 Baby Essentials for Your First Beach Trip

Fresh off the sandy-heels of our first beach trip {or trip, period} as a family of four, and I feel like I now have the knowledge {read: trials & errors} to be able to share the MUST have items for your first beach trip with babes. For comparison - ours are 6 1/2 months, teething like fiends, newbie-sitters, easily entertained, and live by a pretty strict eat/play/sleep schedule. 

Much like when we registered for our baby shower, I spent countless hours researching and asking for advice for what we would need for not just one, but two babies, for the beach. While we got a ton of helpful tips and packed the entire house {plus half of Amazon and 3/4 of Target} - in the end, these were the things we would not have survived without. 

Summer Infant Pop N' Sit 
 
The twinlets aren't quite ready for highchairs, but we also didn't want to lug/ruin the bumbos. These practical chairs fold up insanely small and have a carrying case you can throw over your shoulder. They pop open in seconds, have a tray that attaches, and can even be buckled down to chairs at a restaurant. We used these on the beach, as a highchair to feed, and to keep them contained at restaurants. Worth their weight in GOLD, but can be found for $30 at a ton of places.
 

 In real life {IRL}

Beach wagon: Mac sports collapsible wagon

When you have 87 things to carry out to the beach, trust me when I tell you that pulling this wagon {which folds up uber compact for the car} is way easier than growing extra hands.

IRL

Baby wearing: Wraps and carriers

One of the biggest things that kept me up at night was the logistics of getting the babies from point A to point B—point A being the condo, and point B being the beach. Then, a fellow twin-mom told me that the best way to transport would be for each parent to baby-wear. Genius. We were hands-free to pull the wagon, and back-free to carry the diaper bag. I went the Boba wrap route, while the hubs rocked a carrier in true Hangover fashion.

IRL

Backpack diaper bag

We have both a shoulder strap diaper bag and a backpack diaper bag, and as the twins get older I find it much easier to bring along the backpack diaper bag. Again, the theme for vaca is hands-free. You will need your hands for much more important things than hiking a diaper bag strap back up on your shoulder.

Beach essentials: Tent, hats {hers & his}, sunnies {hers & his}, SPF, baby powder 

We bought one of those baby-proof UV-protected pop-up tents for napping, but it could not withstand the light breeze on the beach. I wouldn't call it a wasted purchase, but I would call it a pointless beach addition. All you really need is tons of shade—a la tailgating tent—and a waterproof mat/giant blanket for beach naps. Other beach babe necessities: sunnies and hats {because the sun is BRIGHT to these tiny eyes and they need shade on shade on shade}, SPF {babyganics seems to be the favorite among moms these days}, and baby powder - your arsenal against sandy hands/feet/bums/bellies/cheeks...

Pack N Play

We needed two - one for each sleeping baby. We also brought crib sheets to wrap around the padding at the bottom to try and trick them into thinking it was their cozy crib. Bonus: it worked. Reality: they were likely exhausted from the stimulation of the beach that they would have slept on the kitchen table.

iPad loaded with Baby First TV

I had all of these lofty goals not to succumb to technology and to brave through tough times with sheer human entertainment. Ha! Those goals flew out the window around hour one into our screamfest car ride. Thankfully, our babes are already obsessed with VocabuLarry and his Baby First friends. The hubs and I got to face the road and ride in peace {other than the sounds of a singing parrot...}, and I was somewhat at ease knowing that at least they were learning the basic of baby vocab. {Tip: download the app AND some of the videos ahead of time, because there's no wi:fi on the open road!}

Food essentials: 6 bottles, gallon water, to-go bowl & spoon

We're formula folks, and instead of having to wash bottles after every feeding, we brought six bottles so we could make it through a whole chunk of the day without stopping to wash. We also brought gallons of purified water, because you don't want to find out the hard way {while on vacation} that your babe's tummy can't handle the city water from {insert vaca city here}. I had also picked up this handy little to-go bowl & spoon at Target a few days before our trip and it really came in handy for meals on the go! {Also suctions to the table}

Tile floor mat

Yeaaaa, I didn't actually bring this, but luckily we stayed at a condo where the owners are new parents, and they had a tile floormat on hand {insert emoji prayer hands}. Highly recommended because you never know if there will be a soft-enough space to lay your babe down, and sometimes a simple blanket just won't do. Bonus is that most of these tile mats come with a zipper bag to keep them compact for traveling!

Wine, coffee, patience & a can-do attitude 

This is for you, mama {or dad}. One of the best pieces of advice another twin-mom gave me pre-vaca was, "It's all in what you make of it." So, instead of getting frustrated or overwhelmed while trying to maneuver bab{ies}, wind, restaurant seating, food wait times, and failed plans of entertainment for the babes {giant blow-up pool fail that we won't discuss}—just take a deep breath, laugh through parenting {like you always should} and enjoy the fact that you are on your first vacation with your little one{s}! When deep breaths fail - that's when the wine and/or coffee kicks in. Also, highly suggest as many extra hands as you can get—by way of family or friends—on the first venture. Not only will they help with the 87 things you have to juggle, but they'll also be good company for the wine portion of the evening {or morning, I don't judge - as long as you're sharing.}

XO,

Nik

Psst... More on this crazy little thing called parenting:

New-mom Must Have: The Undercover Baby

  My Newest Obsession: Actual Hardcopy, Hold-in-your-hand, Pictures