Even though we're now years past our first pinto bean that never was, this month is never lost on me—the month my Timehop goes from blissful secretive pictures, to complete silence. I didn't know how to think or feel, let alone put together thoughts for a social post. All I knew how to do was Google and read and listen—read stories of how others dealt with miscarriage, and listen to songs that would make me ugly cry - Kim K. style.
There's a handful of blog ideas that I would keep notes on and promise myself that I would write one day, because I knew there would be a girl who would be late night Googling/sobbing, and she would need to happen upon a blog where someone just "gets" her. But the further and further I got away from that time in my life, the less brave I got to revisit it. Because even though I have the two most perfect babies on earth, I can still feel exactly how I felt when I would be hiding out in the guest room, tissues piled all around me, reading lyrics on YouTube and harboring the biggest pit in my stomach.
Someone recently reminded me of how horribly lonely this grieving process is, and for that, I mustered up the courage—or whatever you want to call it—to share my go-to sob-list of music. There's the songs you want to morbidly play until tears fall out of your pores; there's the songs you skip altogether because you're afraid of how badly they'll hurt; and there's the songs that you listen to that remind you why you wanted to be a mom in the first place.
*I'm going to include every video with lyrics, because that's how I would watch them—anticipating and pouring over the lyrics while tears streamed from my face. And yea, I cried through every single one of these songs when replaying them for this blog, because that pit in your stomach where a baby once was will always be there. And I kind of don't mind that - because why would I ever want to forget them?
1. Stone Cold - Demi Lovato
"Stone cold, stone cold.
You see me standing, but I'm dying on the
floor...
God knows I try to feel happy for you -
know that I am, even if
I can't understand."
Who the heck knows what this song is supposed to be about, but all I know is that it's a song about pretending—pretending to be okay when you're really dying on the floor. One of my oldest friends announced her pregnancy after our miscarriage, and even though I was happy for her...I hated her. If we're being honest. I had never been more jealous of anything in my life—to the point of hatred.
2. Smile - Michael Jackson
"Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking."
Something about the violins that kick this off that make my nose tickle. And then MJ's sweet voice starts {am I the only one who was in love with MJ growing up?}, and I'm a puddle.
3. Fly - Maddie & Tae
"So, keep on climbing though the ground make shake.
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break.
We've come this far, don't you be scared now.
Cause you can learn to fly - on the way down."
Gosh, I remember this song vividly. Ironically, I would listen to it when I was pregnant with pinto bean—feeling so proud of myself that I got through the infertility - that I kept climbing and here I was flying high. I listened to this song on a run at the beach, and then we went home and had the appointment where we learned we lost the heartbeat. For a while, I hated this song {let's be real, I hate all of these songs, to an extent}, but then I channeled that feeling that I had at the beach - the one that made me feel like I had finally done it - and I did whatever I could to get that feeling back.
"We all make mistakes, you might fall on your face -
but you gotta get up.
We all make mistakes, you might fall on your face -
don't ever give up!"
Yea, so, Empire was newly big at the time, and this song gave me strength. Strength to get through infertility, and strength to get through the aftermath of the miscarriage. You may listen to fast-paced jams on the treadmill - I listened to Conqueror {and bawled - but that's neither here nor there}.
5. She Used to be Mine - Sara Bareilles
"...And you're not what I asked for -
if I'm honest I know I would give it all back
for a chance to start over
and rewrite an ending or two."
::Deep breath:: This is a hard one. I'm not saying I was obsessed with the woman who I was before infertility and miscarriage, but once I had been through it I would have given anything to get back to that girl. To start over. I replayed every move in my head over and over and wondered if I had done something to cause this. I wanted to take it all back and start over. To be the 'me' before this. {I later realized that the 'me' in the interim made me a better 'me' today. The battle in me then created so much peace in me now.}
6. Empty Handed - Lea Michele
"If I came to you, empty handed -
a barren ocean, with nothing at all...
If I finally let you in, would you show me what love is?
If I had nothing to give."
Just kidding, this is the real tough one. You want to see an ugly cry - you should have seen me on the way home from work listening to this song - sporting the largest sunglasses I could find, and feeling so much guilt that I should have exploded. I knew that my husband wanted a baby so badly, and I felt like such a failure because I couldn't give him one. I would think to myself - I am a woman, and there's no other reason for me to be on this earth than to procreate, and if I can't do that - what am I doing here? I don't deserve to be here - I don't deserve him. My gosh I took the dramatics to the extreme. But when you're in it, the dramatics are the only thing that make sense. So don't ever feel like they're overboard - because if someone thinks they are, they've never been through this.
7. Silver Lining - Kacey Musgraves
"If you're ever going to find a silver lining -
it's got to be a cloudy day."
Who am I if I stopped looking for silver linings? I didn't believe that there would be one - ever again. And then there was - and it was doubled. But you don't know that - don't believe that - until you get it. So me trying to tell you to search for one is pointless - and I respect that.
8. Broken - Lifehouse
"I'm falling apart - I'm barely breathing,
with a broken heart, that's still beating...
In your name, I find meaning -
so I'm holding on."
I just came across this song, thanks to an amazing friend, and it punched me right in that pit. And then inspired me to finally get off my cloud nine and write this blog, for everyone who is barely breathing.
*The next two songs aren't about miscarriage or infertility - they're about the other person in this scenario. The person who may not have had the miscarriage physically, or does the daily shots to the gut—but the person who holds you up when you're completely broken. I wrote this note to myself two years when I added these next songs to my list: "Remember that there is no journey or baby without you two - so take time off from baby brain and give in to each other. Now more than ever, you need each other. Sometimes you feel like you're not worthy because you can't give him a baby - let this song serve as his voice to remind you that he wants you no matter what."
9. Give Into Me - Country Strong {Leighton Meester & Garrett Hedlund}
"I'm gonna wear you down.
I'm gonna make you see.
I'm gonna get to you -
you're gonna give into me."
Sometimes I would fight off my husband's love and comfort because I didn't love myself. But he would push, and I would give in. I'm so thankful for that pusher <3
10. Late to the Party - Kacey Musgraves
"And who needs a crowd
when you're happy at a party for two?
The world can wait -
'cause I'm never late to the party
if I'm late to the party with you."
Note to myself back then: "A song for you two - remember how amazing you are as a couple, just you two." When we were #justustwo <3
Couldn't find a legit version with lyrics, so listen to the audio below while reading the lyrics here.
I'm sorry for making you ugly cry—but also, you're welcome? #neededit
XO,
Nik
Nik
Psst...More on the heartbreaking world of infertility & miscarriage:
